The Ultimate Risk-Taker. Not.

Eleanor Roosevelt said we should do one thing that scares us once a day. What a load of bull-fucking-crap. Let me explain the expletive.

When I read this quote for the first time, I thought, ‘Wow. So true. I should do that.’ And then I thought about the practicality: would ‘I’ ever do one thing that scares me every single day for the rest of my life? Unlikely. Would I do it for one week? Also unlikely. Would I do it just once? Not a chance. So boo freakin’ hoo to me.

The fact is, I don’t take risks. I  just don’t. I never have and probably never will. When I tell this to people, they are pleasantly surprised. Which is my snooty way of saying, they already know that but are too nice to let me know that they know that I am in fact a predictable prude. Insert sad emoticon here.

I want to be the kind of person that takes risks. That goes bungee jumping. That climbs mountains and then dives off them. That goes skinny dipping because she is not afraid of being stark naked. I want to be the girl that’s not ashamed of her body or mind and loves herself boundlessly. I want to be the kind of girl that is not afraid to flirt with someone, to give her heart to someone knowing that it might not be worth it in the long-run. I want to be the risk-taker. But I’m not. And that seriously fucking pisses me off. (I need an outlet to vent and sadly for you, this is it.) I want to be that kind of girl. Unfortunately, I am not. Instead, I’m the hyperactive weirdo that hates social situations and interactions and prefers an empty ghost-less library full to the brim with books to a full-on party with alcohol and the whole works.

It’s not that I don’t like being the girl that loves reading absolutely anything that catches her interest and goes to a party just so she could study people and then analyse their behaviour to make them into living characters in a future novel that she hopes will propel her to universal stardom. Once in a while, I want to experience the exhilaration of doing something adventurous. Because I’m always within my comfort zone. I’m always stuck in that cocoon of mine, staying away from anything that scares me. I have bold moments but they are few and far between. It’s just not enough. I want to be this amazingly fun person and I fail every time. And it hurts.

I guess we all have this idea of the perfect person that we want to be. A vague and blurry image of an unbelievably beautiful and smart person who shines like the sun and turns to gold everything with a touch. Barely anyone ever has been able to bring this vague image to life and to fruition. That doesn’t stop us from trying though, does it?

I gave up on being this person some time ago. At least, I thought that I did. Guess not. Guess I’ll always be living my life with one firm foot in the clouds where dreams flourish, hoping I could one day be the one person that I would love to be: a perfect version of myself.

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