Have you ever had a question to which you knew the answer, but that answer was not what you wanted, so you kept looking, and never stopped looking? That’s what it is like for me right now as I attempt to piece together my mind and all its millions of thoughts and feelings as they sweep through my body.
Even in my mid-twenties, life is still a conundrum to me. You’d have thought I’d have figured out much of it, but I haven’t. I am still a mystery to me. It’s ridiculously difficult, this business of understanding who you are. Simply looking within doesn’t always give you answers and most definitely not the answers that you were hoping for. Because life doesn’t work that way. You don’t work that way (and by that ‘you’ I mean people).
We humans have this way of bending the truth to fit ourselves and what we wish for, even from ourselves; we hide the truth even from ourselves even though there is a little voice in our minds saying, “Now, you know that that’s not true.” And yet you keep on believing your lies and go out of your way to prove to yourself and to convince yourself that this ‘truth’ that you fabricated is the real, actual truth.
But what do we do when we have moved far past the point where you are no longer sure what to believe in? When everything you knew has been skewed and played with? When your reality is mangled because you’ve played with it in a bid to lie to yourself to the point that nothing makes any sense anymore? I’m at that point now. And I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do now.
Facing the truth is a challenge at the best of times. But what do you do when you’re at your worst and there is no one to prop you up when you slide down into the abyss and tell you that everything will be alright? How can you learn to live with yourself when there is nothing to live for?